Humor

Sometimes the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements are a bit more entertaining . . . .

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants."

On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" - Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


16 Reasons Why Airplanes Are Easier To Live With Than Women



1. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
2. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
4. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
5. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
6. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
7. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown
before.
8. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
9. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
10. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
11. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
12. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
13. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
14. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
15. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not
good.
And Finally,
16. Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

You know that you have been a flight attendant a REALLY long time if……

1. You can eat a four course meal standing at the counter in the kitchen.
2. You reach for your seat belt when you sit on the toilet.
3. You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store.
4. You can pack for a four week trip to Europe in one roll-aboard and one totebag.
5. You can sleep sitting bolt upright in a chair - any chair, anytime.
6. You NEVER unpack.
7. You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads, but not by their faces.
8. You can tell 70 yards away if a piece of luggage can fit in the overhead bin.
9. You are amazed how male passengers cannot figure out how to rearrange items so more things can easily be fit into the overhead bin. (Maybe they could if they would load the dishwasher more…).
10. You NEVER hear announcements the pilots make - if they want you to know something, they must call on the interphone and tell you personally.
11. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways.
12. You know at least 63 uses for air sickness containers - NONE of which pertains to vomit.
13. You can actually enjoy a crew meal which is eaten on the jumpseat right next to the lavs, which are in constant use.
14. You understand and actually use the 24 hour clock.
15. You can get more therapy from conversations on the jumpseat than you can from your $150 an hour psychologist.
16. You can follow the plot line of a movie without ever hearing the audio portion.
17. You don't think in "months" - you think in "bid periods".
18. You own two sets of uniforms: fat and thin.